Things I am not good at: Being Outdoorsy

I am from Oregon and I can pretend that I love long hikes and camping… but I don’t. [Insert gasp here]

I like camp fires and the fun camping scenario, especially if there is a body of water and an acoustic guitar nearby, but I don’t really consider camping relaxing. Not because of the situation once you are out there, but because of the amount of planning that goes into electively sleeping on the ground and constantly having dirty feet. Just think about the food planning! Ugh.

It was fun as kids when we weren't saving up vacation time and our parents did all the prep. Or even in college when two days worth of PB&Js would suffice. But now, my free time is limited and I would rather go to a cabin somewhere (BBR) and enjoy the outdoors that way. Sure, I will hike the Butte or something, but get me back home where I can shower and sleep in a bed.

Camping at DMB in 2008 and the Rogue in 2009:
(I consider these the last times I camped because the Antone is SO amazing. Therefore, it doesn't really count.)

Those stupid propane stoves. Clearly not working. 

Sleeping beauties... not. 

On the Rogue River. I can't believe I am touching my foot in this picture. 

Oh my gosh! Remember when I camped in Nicaragua!? Hahaha. During rainy season... sheesh. That one totally counts.

So that is the camping thing. Too much work and dirt to waste vacay time on.

Reality time, I am not good at being outdoorsy at home either! Portland is a wonderful city with mountains and rivers and lakes and beaches only an hour away. Yet, I would rather meet you at late happy hour than join you on your “night hike” (whatever that is). Seriously, people in my life go on night hikes.

So while you hike the south sister, I’ll be at Sisters Coffee Company with a yummy bev and good book (j/k I’ll be using their free wi-fi).  And while you “discover a trail in the gorge,” I’ll be walking along the East Bank and enjoying the view of our lovely city.

I mean, I’ll hike Multnomah Falls! I guess I prefer organized hiking…Hiking Black Butte, hiking at Multnomah Falls. And it seems that the part I dread most about camping is the amount of planning and effort that goes into being voluntarily dirty. Hmmmm.

In conclusion, I am not good at being an outdoorsy NW girl. Maybe I would be better at it if I had a personal assistant.

Woohoos and Workouts.

There is a lady in my favorite exercise class who just “woohoos” the whole time. She is the life of the class! I love having her there, but she basically just stands there and yells or shouts out song lyrics (Filthy song lyrics that she probably doesn’t know the meaning of btw). AND she usually leaves class at least twice. I always figured this is due to having children and that there is a need to use the restroom from all the jumping. Reasonable right? Well, this past weekend my sister noted that she wasn’t even really moving. Just standing there, yelling and leaving multiple times. Hmmm.

This lady plays an integral role for those of us who do not have the extra lung power to bust out the high-volume woo-hooing, but why does she waste that big chunk of her morning? Just so she can say she went to the gym? If just showing up counts, then I am going to start spending my time in the steam room and call it working out.  Better yet, I’ll just nap during yoga and tell the instructor that I am meditating in Savasana.

Please enjoy this instructional video on Savasana (aka corpse pose):

Namaste.

The West-Kardashian Baby

… or Kardashian-West? I think that might be a fight.

The year: 2022 (Age 9)
Setting: School Science Fair

Teacher: And this year’s All School Science Fair winner is... Maxwell Drew Johnson!

Kanye: Yo Maxi, Imma let you finish, but my kid had one of the best potato clocks of all time.

The year: 2029 (Age 16)
Setting: At home rummaging through old home movies.

Kimye spawn: Mom, where are my childhood soccer videos? Wait… what is this? What is a VHS and who is Ray-J?"

I hate that this unborn child is already dealing with tabloid scrutiny. Just because his/her parents are ego-maniacs does not mean that the child will be. BUT we are doing ourselves a disservice if we don’t throw out a few obvious jokes. Right!?


In my personal life: I had an AMAZING holiday break. Very fun, very needed, too much food etc. Is it just me or was getting back into the routine of regular life a bit painful? Wednesday was like a slow death, but now I seem to be embracing the predictable. How are you all doing? If you aren't doing great, just remember that tomorrow is Friday! PTL for short weeks!

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A Kiss at Midnight

I hope you all had lovely Christmases. Mine was awesome! Relaxing to the max.

This post is not about Christmas though, it is about New Years! Well… not New Year’s really, but the kissing thing that goes along with it.

Personally, I would rather have someone to kiss at noon on New Year’s Day than a one-time kiss at midnight. I also know that for many folks out there this option is not reality.

New Year’s Eve is a time to celebrate the passing of one year and the welcoming of a new. Why then is a kiss part of the equation? Is it because we are ceremonially kissing the previous year goodbye? Or is it because we are kissing the one who we want to begin the New Year with? It is a fact that 85% of NYE dates are not planning on ending that same year together (Psych, I made that statistic up, but it is probably close!). So why the pressure? Why the stock on having someone to kiss? Doesn't the desperation involved slightly make it lose its meaning? I would say so.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the NYE glitter, champy and fun. But over the years I have probably only had one or two NYE nights that got close to the hype surrounding them. And one of them was probably the millennium. The fact that Y2K didn't happen should keep NYE ‘99 at the top of all of our lists. Also, do you remember Will Smith’s album Willenium? Yeah, Will 2 K forevs.

So do not feel bad if you don’t have a midnight kiss lined up. I’m sure there will be a stranger waiting in the wings. And who knows, maybe they are your soul mate!? But think twice and ask about their bill of health before you go snogging a possibly herpes ridden stranger. That meaningless midnight smooch might leave you with more than a hangover the next day… It might leave you wondering if you should hit up the free clinic.

Or consider having a NYE change of perspective as I have. Because wouldn't you rather have someone to kiss at noon on New Year’s Day and the days following? I know I would.

Happy almost 2013!

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Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from 1989! If only we were still this cute.

It is Christmas, therefore I will not be putting effort into a post. Duh. Instead, I thought I would share a Christmas card my mother sent out when we were children. Obviously pre "dark years" (middle school).

Enjoy some time with your loved ones! I know I will. Merry Christmas to you all!

Text that GIF.

I have some new fun for you all! The day? Saturday. The activity? Texting GIFs. The result? non-stop hilarity via text. And the fun hasn't stopped since.

Trying to get Marina to come over after discussing her need to do laundry at my apt:

Mar’s text:

“This is what happens when I think about leaving my couch.”

My response to her attitude:

I received this text from Libby (mid movie) on Sunday night:

“How I feel when Laura makes us watch ABC Family Christmas movies.” 

Then there are some reaction GIFs that have been used in multiple scenarios. They work best in gossipy conversations. Hey, at least I'm honest!

I really recommend this form of communication. It makes everything more exciting!

PS. This is how Marina feels about you not wanting to use GIFs in your texts.

“Are you effing kidding me?”

Happy faces and heavy hearts.

Hello to you all. I have noticed the blog shift today as people decide not to post normally and instead talk about their heavy hearts, gun control and mental health services. I don't have a lot to say politically, nor do I have eloquent words about the happenings in our fallen world. So...

This poem was emailed to me and I'm sure it is viral on Facebook or something, but I don't really care. It gave me joy so I want to share it too!

Twas’ 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven’s gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
“where are we?” asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
“this is heaven.” declared a small boy. “we’re spending Christmas at God’s house.”
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus’ face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, “I’ll take care of mom and dad.”
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
“Let My power and presence re-enter this land!”
“may this country be delivered from the hands of fools”
“I’m taking back my nation. I’m taking back my schools!”
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
“come now my children, let me show you around.”
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
“in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT.”

- Cameo Smith

Have a lovely day my friends! Remember that just because evil is present does not mean that God is absent. When tragedy strikes our world like this, people begin to treat one another better. We are more tolerant, we smile each other more, we are less inclined to freak out at stupid drivers (sort of). We are somehow given perspective for a brief moment. Sadly, the perspective usually fades, but for now let's share our happy faces.

I will try and bring you a smile with an embarrassing story about myself later in the week. Be nice to each other!