Bikes, floaties and fomo.

Summer is coming to a close and once again, I missed out on some major things. Not things that can be made up for either. Once a year stuff! It is like I have Portlander fomo. Let’s review some facts. Summer in Portland is awesome! Temperatures are steady and comfortable, it isn't humid and the city takes full advantage! We have festivals, brewfests, outdoor concerts, you name it. Don’t get me wrong, I did plenty of fun summer stuff. BUT there are some things that happen in Portland that I have always wanted to do, yet have never made happen.

1. Bridge pedal. Bridge pedal happens every year and somehow I miss it every. single. year. It happens in August and looks just lovely! You get to bike over the bridges, they close the roads (and freeway) for you and you experience the best views of the city. Yet, I have never been able to make it happen. It should basically be illegal that I have never done it. Oh well… until next year.

2. The Big Float. This is another PDX event that happens once a year. I mean, they have only done it twice… but I have effectively missed both. This is probably one of the coolest Portland things that happens. Period. Yes, the festivals are cool and stuff, but getting on your floatie and taking over the Willamette in the middle of your beautiful city on a hot summer day?! Yes please! Again… until next year.

Although I missed these two events and they have made a home on my bucket list, I am thrilled that is almost fall. I have already started using pumpkin and marinara in my foods. Don’t worry, I don’t mix them together.

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On a scale between normal and "Kim Kardashian cry face."

I read Thought Catalog, and you probably do too... But I still had to share this! You guys, this is a real (accurate to life) scale.

It is a little bit difficult to imagine being in "hurts worst" pain while looking at pictures of the James Van Der Beek and Kim Kardashian cry faces. Please read the text under 5-6 before softly sobbing into your overpriced americano. Oh you had time to make coffee? Good for you.

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Notes for the needy.

I just have a couple notes to share today. I feel that it is my duty to offer advice to those in need. I am a crazy good humanitarian.

Lamar,

I heard about the DUI arrest. Our mutual friend, the internet, has been talking about it. Come on Lamar! Don’t you know that you are my favorite Kardashian person? I am sad that you are having a rough time right now. I know it is probably stressful to be a free agent and that you may be feeling a little bit depressed and out of control. I know it was really hard for you emotionally when you were playing like crap for the Mavericks. I get it Lamar, life is tough sometimes. BUT I really think you can make it through.

Why? Because of this:
You are a 6’10” man. You are worth a bazillion* dollars. Your wife is hilarious and crazy rich. Basketball isn't everything. Know what else isn't everything? Substance abuse. Just cool it! hugs not drugs Lammy. Hugs. Not. Drugs.

XOXO,
Your local D.A.R.E representative

*this is an estimate


Miley,

Yeah, that was gross on Sunday. Liam’s poor parents. I also feel sad for you. Mostly because your mom was clapping… So maybe this really isn't your fault after all? BUT do you know what is your fault? Your filthy tongue.

I am personally not that upset over your performance. Honestly, I had my eyes closed through most of it. I just couldn't look. But you know what I did see? I saw your dirty tongue. Brush that thing before you put it out on display for the world to see on national television. Get a tongue scraper maybe? I bet they have them at your dentist, probably even at your local Walgreens*. I am surprised your mic didn't quit working from your toxic breath. I just assume your breath was toxic due to the sight of your white tongue.

XOXO,
4 out of 5 dentists

*not confirmed

TGIF and Happy Labor Day weekend folks! 

Let’s talk about weddings.

At one point, Brian came to town and we did the wedding thang again. (I am losing track of time and weddings at this point) Basically we are professional wedding goers. Just part of the deal when you are in your 20s! But a wedding sure makes for a fun (free) date. Dinner, drinks, dancing? Yes please! Plus the romance is built in. Guys have it super easy in the summer. No effort necessary. Just put on a nice shirt and show up, and then they get credit for the date. Not too shabby! I don’t have any specific opinions about this, I just wanted to point it out. Other activities that have recently happened in my life include: blading on the Eastbank and drinking pretty coffee.

At a wedding! What else!?

A perfect photo bomb by Tyler! 

The group! Photo by Jess

I am currently in Sunriver (cheating on Black Butte). And I went to another wedding last weekend. I’ll probably post about both of these things in due time! Later gators!

Libby in L.A. (and some celeb stalking)

Libby moved to L.A. She is going to USC to expand her mind in grad school and be her genius self!

One time we had a par-tay to say goodbye:

Just getting in some last minute gossip. FYI: This is a picture of a Polaroid! Martha brought a Polaroid camera for some photo fun. 

Then Lib started texting us from her new home. She is taking Hollywood VERY seriously. Celeb sightings will probably take precedence over studying. Actually, I bet she will sit at Kate Summerville (multiple locations) so much (aka missing class) just to see if she can spot Lauren Conrad! Obviously LC will remember her, they already met once before. Although, she probably remembers me better, she DID compliment my outfit after all.

Here is some of the gold we have received thus far:

This is obviously Mario Lopez being his smoking hot AC Slater self. Just taping Extra at The Grove!...so people like Libby can creep on him.

I'm sorry you just wasted your time reading this waste of a post! TGIF.

Elephants and Jessie Spano.

I wish I had pictures of Jessie Spano on an Elephant. But alas, this is not nearly as cool as that!

The good thing about living your life and not posting for 2 weeks, is that you actually have some stuff to post when you decide to start again! Crazy. How do people do this every day? Their lives must be far more exciting than my own. I actually have stuff on file for later! I think this is the first time that has ever happened to me.

The news in the neighborhood is this: Elephants has opened! Think delicious food, grab and go treats, a full bar, Stumptown coffee… etc. And it is a couple blocks from my home. This is going to be amazing for my life and terrible for my budget. When I saw that they were open, my response was similar to Jessie Spano on Caffeine pills. “I’m so excited! I’m so excited!... I’m so…SCARED!” Excited for the food, scared for my wallet.

Friendship Frittata at Elephants on Corbett! It isn't actually called that, but it should be. 

Big thanks to Jessie Spano for perfectly articulating how I feel:

Elephants (not the animal), if you read this and want to give me free stuff, please email me. I would jump at the chance to sell out! Especially if mac and cheese or Mama Leone’s soup is promised.

Elephants (the animal), If you read this, congrats! You can read! That is crazy. I thought you were only good at painting. Please forgive my ignorance. Do you want to come be my pet? Simply buy me a house with a big backyard first. You also need to hire a wrangler and a poop scooper. That is not something I will be doing.

Summer rain and real life.

Long time no post!

I have been busy enjoying the sunshine! But today it rained for the first time in a month. Oh my gosh the rain smelled so good! I know that is weird, but the smell of summer rain is one of my favorite things! Not candles that are scented as summer rain. Those usually smell disgusting. Like how “cotton” scent exists… basically, it is dryer sheet sent as a candle. Ummm…  no thanks. So please fans, do not read this and send me a bunch of “summer rain” scented stuff. Do you like how I just pretended to have fans that want to send me stuff!? HA. Yeah right.

I really have nothing else to say. Which is weird, since I haven’t posted in a million years. But whatevs! I’m enjoying my summer and I hope you are too! I’m headed out of town again, so let’s lower our posting expectations shall we? Do you like how I just pretended people have expectations!? I'm hilarious today.

Anywho, real life trumps internet life. Always! Deal with it.